Today, my body has failed me.

Today I feel like my body has failed not only me, but my 16 week old baby.
Her pediatrician has decided that she has not gained nearly as much weight as she should be. She weighed in at 10lb6oz on July 14, and yesterday, September 2, weighed in at 10lb11oz. She’s still nursing the same, and latches the same, pees the same and poops the same. She has just essentially stopped thriving on my breast milk. I’m heartbroken, angry, sad, frustrated, and stressed out because my body seemingly does not know how to nourish my baby, if we were animals I’d probably abandon her because we are “broken”, If we were tribal women somewhere remote, or centuries past we would be helped out by a community of women who fed each others babies when a mom wasn’t enough for baby. But here we are. in the 21st century, and I am giving my baby powdered “milk” out of a plastic nipple… because breast milk “isn’t enough”

Honestly I kind of figured that my body not being sufficient enough would have stopped once Ev was born. I downed progesterone, and pericardia, and turbutilene, to make sure my body stayed pregnant, I was mad then because my body didn’t know how to stay pregnant, I was mad when I was pregnant with Kash and in the hospital for weeks dilated to a 4 praying to make it to full term, I was mad when I had to get shots in the bottom to keep my hormone levels up. I was mad when I went into preterm labor at 25 weeks because my progesterone levels don’t stay high enough to have a healthy pregnancy.

Silly me thought being angry at my body ended once I delivered babies. But as my breastfeeding relationship has gone on with baby Ev I have realized that my body doesn’t just fight being pregnant, it fights breastfeeding as well. Ev has been a slow gainer since day one. She has a lip tie, she was severely jaundiced for days. she was consitpated from having formula because she wasn’t satisfied, she has had a cold that made nursing nearly impossible, but we’ve battled through it.
I know that we will battle through the supplementing, We’ll get her gaining weight, but I still can’t help being a little bit frustrated with my body for not being compatible with all things baby, I am still angry at my boobs for not making fatty enough milk to make my baby gain weight well, I’m mad at myself for producing four children that have lip ties,

Today, I am angry, upset and disappointed, I know I need to be thankful that I have a baby, to have to bottle feed, to be thankful that we’ve made it 4 months ebf, to be thankful that I can still breastfeed her while supplementing. Tomorrow hopefully I’m feeling better about the whole situation. I don’t want to be bitter about it. I want to love feeding my baby, no matter how she needs to get that food and nourishment. I want to ebf my baby, at the breast and with no added bottles or supplements but at the same time I am not selfish enough to ignore that sometimes babies need a little more than mommas can give. I have the help of some wonderful women and am sure that Ev will be getting some breast milk EVERY day for the next twenty months. For that, I am grateful.

Birth Stories Part Deux!!

Today I am reflecting back on the days leading up to and including Lucas’ birthday. Really he was the most uneventful of my pregnancies and labors. 

We got pregnant with Lucas not long after we got back to Colorado after losing Caiden, we were crushed that we lost our baby and were ready for our rainbow baby, if God was ready for us to have one. I didn’t even think I was pregnant, I had a doozy of a stomach bug and my mom continued to ask me if I was sure I wasn’t pregnant. I kept telling her there was no way because I had taken a pregnancy test just the day before, I ended up in the ER for fluids and anti-nausea meds and they asked me a million times if I was pregnant, and did a urine test, all negative. I swore I wasn’t pregnant. I went to the ER in the morning and was home all day, that night I couldn’t sleep so I decided to try another pregnancy test. It was 2AM and Ty was asleep and I got a positive pregnancy test. I was elated, shocked, and most of all completely terrified. 

Most of my pregnancy was uneventful, I saw the dr more often than normal because of my history, I got injections of progesterone once a week starting at 16 weeks until I hit 35 weeks. I ended up with pregnancy induced hypertension and was put on bed rest at 28 weeks and went to Labor and Delivery twice a week for maternal and fetal monitoring. I started having contractions around 29 weeks with him, and ended up taking procardia 4 times a day, and then from then to 36 weeks it was completely boring. I sat around in bed worrying constantly. I gained a hundred pounds while I was pregnant with Lucas. yikes! 

At 36 weeks I was having pretty regular contractions, I went in and got checked out, I was dilated to a 4 and my contractions had stopped so they sent me home with instructions to have some sex and walk and see if that gets me back into labor. It apparently worked because the next afternoon my contractions were about 4 minutes apart and I was dilated to a 7. I was so excited that we were about to meet our little human. The nurse was awesome and sent Ty to get some dinner since once I was completely admitted I wouldn’t be able to eat. so I got to eat a whopper and fries while breaking the hospital rules. It was amazing! I was starving and knew my body was about to go through a lot of work to get this human here. 

I walked around until I was about 8-9 cm dilated, waiting to have to push. But everything slowed down, I was scared of the pain I was going to feel so I asked for an epidural which is honestly the worst part of my entire birthing experience. It hurt, the anesthesiologist was hateful towards me, and she had to take it out and restart it at least 6 times. She was yawning and hardly awake since it was 2AM and that should have probably been my hint that I shouldn’t have gotten my epidural haha. Well I got it, and it let me sleep the rest of the night while we waited to have our baby. My midwife broke my water and we just waited, lots of waiting. They did end up putting a monitor in Lukes scalp since I had an epidural and they needed to keep him on the monitors but with me sleeping they just couldn’t keep him on the monitor. I slept, woke up dying to meet our little one and about 8 that morning I had tyler get the nurse because I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. She checked everything out and we found out I was dilated to a 10! It wasn’t going to be long at all. 

At about 630 my epidural completely wore out (not that it worked all the way anyway). The nurses and midwife left the room to help another momma have her baby, and at 845 I felt the urge to push, Tyler ran out of the room to the nurses station (yeah leaving me totally alone and ready to push out baby!) and they came back and I told them that I was having him before 9AM. I was not going to wait all morning to meet our baby. The nurse told me that it would probably take more than 10 minutes to push him out since it was my first baby and we made a bet. It only took a few pushes and he was born, at 859AM, I was so proud of him, and that he was on board with being born before 9am.

Lucas was born April 25, 2011, he was 19 3/4 inches long and 5 lb 15 oz and totally perfect. Having him laid on my belly the second he came into this world is one moment in his life that I will never forget. We cried together, Lucas, Tyler and I, I knew Caiden had watched carefully over him and was there with us that morning. 

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It has been 3 of the most amazing years of my life. He has taught me so much, of who I am, what is important in life, and how to be a better human being. He is such an amazing, smart, funny, beautiful person. 

BIRTH STORIES!

I’m 5 and a half weeks shy of my due date for baby girl wally, and I figure this is the PERFECT time to share birth stories of my three boys. I’ll post Caidens today, Lucas’ tomorrow and Kashs on Wednesday, mostly so the details don’t get intertwined writing out three in one day.

I can not believe we are this close to welcoming our fourth (and sadly final) child into this world, We are SO very excited and impatiently waiting to meet our little lovely.

Caiden, oh sweet, sweet, Caiden.
He was born on July 2, 2010. He wasn’t due until October 18, but he was determined to make his appearance early. It was my birthday, and the night before I was so crampy, not period crampy, not contraction crampy, at least not “normal” contraction crampy, come to find out the pain I was in is MY normal for labor and contractions. I honestly thought that I had eaten something bad the night before and just needed to go to the bathroom. It kept waking me up throughout the night but I was only 25 weeks pregnant so I was SURE it wasn’t anything to due with baby. I woke up the next morning and my wonderful mister went to wash my car and get me a birthday card and flowers for my birthday. I was home, alone, and in pain. It wasn’t until I started bleeding on top of my cramping that I was worried something was wrong.
I jumped onto facebook and started messaging mom friends back home to see if I was in labor or what because I just wasn’t sure, and again at only 25 weeks wasn’t concerned really. One of my friends told me that there was no way I’d be facebooking if I was in labor. I went with my gut and gave my mister a call to tell him he probably needed to get home. When I called though, his phone was ringing from inside our apartment. This is when I started to panic. I was worried about our sweet baby, we had already had an EKG scheduled that afternoon to check out his heart which was of concern at my 20 week ultrasound so I was already worried about him for a few weeks, well this was the straw that broke the camels back. I was in tears when the mister came home and told him what was going on. He was SURE I was in labor.

He convinced me that I was having contractions, I am stubborn and was still trying to convince him I certainly was not (but I think I was trying to convince myself I wasn’t) He sped all the way to post, I kept telling him to slow down because I was NOT in labor and NOT having contractions, but I was slowly in more and more pain. We got onto post, and into the hospital, and they lead me to an exam room, told me to pee in a cup, brought me some water and hooked me up to the monitors. This is where I sat for a few hours before I ever saw a nurse or dr again. The nurse on duty came in and checked me out, and this is where we learned that I was already dilated to a 5, with my waters bulging. I panicked, Tyler called my mom and his step mom, my mom left work and started her 13 hour journey to get to Colorado.

The drs gave me medicine to stop my contractions, but within half an hour I was dilated to a 9 and there was just no stopping labor. I was going to have our baby, at 25 weeks, on my birthday. It was now inevitable. They toyed with the idea of putting me in an ambulance to transfer me but then decided it was too risky, they wheeled my bed to a delivery room, where the transfer team was ready to whisk my baby away to the childrens hospital, there were students, there was a trauma team to work on baby if he needed it and there were about 10 nurses, and my husband. I was in a state of shock, scared to death and just prayed our baby would live. I learned that he had a 70% chance of living through the birth, and that the first 24-48 hours were the most crucial and important hours of his life, if he were to make it through labor and birth.

It only took a few pushes for him to come into this world, the dr tried to help me birth him with my water still in tact because it would be less traumatic for him, and a little safer. He was about half way out before my water burst all over everyone in the room (including a full bird colonel, who was not only the dr that delivered him, but the head of the OB department.) It was then that my husband and I heard our tiny 25 weeker attempt to cry. I begged to know if he was okay, alive and breathing, but they put him in the incubator and took him to the nursery. I didn’t even get to see him, or touch him. My husband and I waited and waited it seemed like forever, but probably only 15-20 minutes. We weren’t sure if we had a living baby or if he had passed away. Caiden was born at 12:12 on July 2 weighing 1 lb 15 oz and was 12 inches long

The nurse came in to get me, and Ty, and we went to the nursery, I was terrified I was about to get bad news but we got to see our little bundle of joy, and hold his hand. He was attached to tubes, and wires, and in a box but that was our baby. And he was so perfect and handsome. He didn’t look like a normal newborn. His skin was still pretty red, and he had no fat, but he was ours. He was our baby and we both cried and told him how much we loved him and were rooting for him to be a fighter, we NEEDED him to be a fighter.

 

The ambulance drivers and NICU team were getting ready to take him from us, across town, to a hospital with a NICU. I begged the EMTs to drive slow and not get into a wreck. I was so scared to let him out of my sight. I was afraid it’d be the last time I saw him.

They transfered him, and I got a call from the NICU that he had made it safely and he was stable, huge huge milestones. I met with lactation consultants and started pumping to get some of my milk to come in so he could have breastmilk, we ate dinner in the hospital and my dr let me go instead of keeping me so we could go to the hospital and see our baby.

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This is what we saw when we went to the NICU to see our baby. I hated seeing him with wires, and tubes but was so so happy he was alive. The nurses said that he was one of the healthiest 25 weekers they had ever seen. We spent days in the NICU with him, and resting in the Ronald Mcdonald house room.

Sadly he wasn’t the healthiest for long, just a couple of weeks into his NICU stay he contracted NEC, Necrotising Enterocolitis, I was crushed, my baby was now fighting even harder for his life. Fighting for a chance to live, and I was fighting to hang on to even the smallest ounce of hope that he was going to make it.

They put a small bag in his intestine that was attached to his belly to give his intestines and colon a rest to hopefully heal him, later that evening we learned that it just wasn’t helping. He was getting worse, he ended up with blood transfusions, and morphine and sedatives to keep him as comfortable as possible, and we were given the option to send him in for a very risky surgery (that the dr said he wouldn’t make it through) or he could pass away in our arms, with his mom and dad instead of in an operating room on a cold table with drs and nurses and no family. It was at this point that we had a catholic priest come in and baptize him, we got to hold him, up until this point Ty hadn’t even gotten to hold him, our 18 day old baby was feeling what it felt to be in his daddys arms for the first time. He was sick, bloated, and his fingers were starting to turn blue. The only thing keeping him alive at this point was the ventilator. It was then that we decided it was time to take him off the life support. That keeping him on it was only delaying the inevitable and making him suffer more. At 5:36PM on July 20, 2010 we held our first baby as he passed away. Joining his papaw in heaven.

His life was short, and he never got to sleep in his own bed, in his nursery at home, and I never got to feel him suckling at my breast, or rock him to sleep in the middle of the night. But he was and is our first and oldest son. The boys and soon to be baby girl will always know who their big brother Caiden is, and we take them out to see his grave on the holidays and when the weather is nice. And they know that they have a wonderful angel watching over them when they are scared or sick or sad.

Thankfully the organization Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep captured some wonderful posthumous pictures of our sweet baby, without any tubes and wires. And we got to spend hours and hours with him after he had passed away. Losing a baby is something that will haunt the Wally family for the rest of our lives, until we are reunited with him when we go Home.

 

2014: A year for personal growth.

I’m not too big on New Years resolutions, I have never been good at them, and really, who is? Instead I vowed that starting right after the holidays I would finally start standing up for what I believe is best for our children, and our family, and for our values. 

I have realized that being 23 weeks pregnant it’s becoming a heck of a lot easier to stand up for myself to others than it ever has been, and I’m kind of afraid that come May I’m going to clam up again, but I’m praying that God helps me to be more assertive and a lot less passive. 

The boys are enjoying a lot more time at home with mommy and daddy and less time bouncing around from family member to family member for visits (aside from going to my moms to spend time with my brother before he leaves for the Navy next month). 

I even brought up my birth plan to my midwife at my Drs office AND the hospital, without reservation. I was pretty darn proud of myself, mostly because I’ve never been the one to bring anything up at the Drs office, I always left that to my Mister. 

I’m trying to grow as a mother, be calmer, gentler, and be more readily available for the boys than what I have been. I feel so disconnected from them and like I have failed them for not standing up for our parenting beliefs so they have absolutely no routine that is solid enough to feel comfortable. But it’s something that we’re working on this year, being more solid in our views and beliefs, and I think we’re all going to be tighter as a family by the end of it. :) 

I am trying to be a better wife, and spend quality time with the Mister, communicating better, being quicker to forgive, and slower to anger. 

I am definitely going to be back to blogging as we prepare for our newest addition, as we journey through personal growth as a family, and as I learn more as a mother, wife, and stay at home momma. 

 

xo
-WallyMommy

just checking in.

last month i became the official mom of a two year old. seriously how do these things happen? they really just creep up, one minute my baby was learning to crawl and walk and communicate then suddenly he’s two. he’s just the sweetest little thing in the world. and he’s growing up waaayyy too fast! seriously, walking into church today he said hi to EVERYONE, and he’s become so independent it’s sad. he’s blessed my life in so many ways as have his brothers. i could not imagine my life without my babies or my mister. 

 

i was made to be a mommy and wife.

 

i’ll let that sink in for a moment, yes i said it, i was made to be a mommy and wife. 

 

definitely not something i’ve felt for most of the last year but i think i’ve finally regained my footing in life, kicked that stubborn postpartum depression to the curb and started enjoying this life again. 

 

once i figure out how to post photos on here in a wonderful fashion i think weekly i’ll just dump filbert 3.0s photos on here. but i really stink at things like that. 

 

really this is just a check in post, i don’t have much interesting to post, and i’m full of ramblings, but hey the boys are napping and the laundry is folded so i had a few minutes to just chill with my thoughts, my happy happy thoughts. 

 

good things that happened to me today

  • i woke up, alive, and healthy
  • my husband woke up alive and healthy
  • my children woke up alive and healthy
  • duck dynasty day
  • lunch at my mommas
  • the sun was out
  • my house is clean enough and put together enough that i could have a lazy day
  • tomorrow is my babies second birthday (when did that happen?!) 
  • my husbands grandma found out her aneurysm surgery worked and it’s shrinking
  • snuggled and watched shrek with Luke
  • loved watching him growl at the dragon
  • i’ll get to cuddle up with my hubby in a few hours and sleep next to the best person that has walked into my life aside from my kids. 

getting on with life

i’ve decided to abandon the ’50s housewife challenge. it’s doing absolutely nothing for my marriage, or family. and it’s making every one a little more miserable. 

i have to stop being the wife and mom that i think everyone expects me to be, and just be me.

little ole music lovin’, jean and tee shirt wearing independent me. 

i have prayed on it, and thought about it and i just think if i’m going to be happy then i just need to be me, and stop trying so hard to impress anyone. i have an amazing husband who loves me to bits, two beautiful living babies and one amazing guardian angel baby. i have been blessed to be able to stay home with my babies, learning with them, playing with them. i need to embrace that. i need to be happy in my skin, with my life, now. because tomorrow it could all be taken away, and i don’t want to live my life trying to fit into a mold, because it just isn’t me.

for the next few weeks or months or however long it takes i’ll be using this blog as a place to write down every good thing that happens to me, to us, in this life. to appreciate, to brag, to be positive.