Reflections

2012 was hard, at least for our family. I was pregnant, my husband was being medically discharged from the military, we were about to move back home (820-something miles). My husband being medically retired was hard for all of us. We went from the stability of a job, a military community, to nothing. My husband lost part of him when he lost his military job, he was not only suffering from PTSD but he felt neglected, pushed aside by the very thing that gave him PTSD.

We moved, across the country, to a house we’d never seen, never stepped foot in. Our things got into our new home before we did. It was difficult for me to not be able to browse houses and pick out one that was just for us.

We went from never seeing anyone, being alone, the two/three of us for two years to being able to see everyone every day. Normally I would have loved it, but it’s partially like being on solitary confinement for two years then just thrown back into the world. You forget how to socialize, how to converse, and the fact that you left everyone a certain way and you come back and it’s totally different. Its true what they say, once you leave you can never go back “home”.

Our sweet baby turned one, which is a blessing he is here and living, but it’s sad seeing your baby say goodbye to babyhood and hello to toddlerhood.

I ended up  in labor at 33 weeks, and admitted into the hospital for three weeks. It was rough. I hated being away from Lucas for that time, I hated not being with him on his birthday. I constantly had drs telling me what could be wrong with my baby, and I got severely depressed. I had a terrible birthing experience, had a hell of a time breastfeeding, watched Kash literally waste away and then got judged for formula feeding.

The mister and I almost went our separate ways, for reasons I don’t even really remember at this point, pretty sure it was linked to his PTSD and the fact that it does terrible things to people, and a mixture of my PPD. But I know when his PTSD is flaring up, I know when he’s my mister, and when he’s just a shell of the man I know and love.

Caiden would have turned two last year, which still breaks my heart every day.

I battled an awful awful bout of Post Partum Depression, I felt like a terrible mother and wife for months. I realized this wasn’t anything I was doing wrong but the fact that I was on so many “natural parenting” and “attachment parenting” sites, blogs, and pages and these women aren’t there for you, to help you. They are there to judge, and feel superior about themselves.

But this year, this year will be different. I can feel it in my bones. Over the next couple of days I’ll be getting together my lists of wishes, wants, dreams for this year. I don’t normally do the resolution thing, and I don’t think that’s what I’ll be doing since I’m starting at a point in time when most people have already given up their resolutions for the year.

 

Here’s to a great 2013. 🙂

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