Today I feel like my body has failed not only me, but my 16 week old baby.
Her pediatrician has decided that she has not gained nearly as much weight as she should be. She weighed in at 10lb6oz on July 14, and yesterday, September 2, weighed in at 10lb11oz. She’s still nursing the same, and latches the same, pees the same and poops the same. She has just essentially stopped thriving on my breast milk. I’m heartbroken, angry, sad, frustrated, and stressed out because my body seemingly does not know how to nourish my baby, if we were animals I’d probably abandon her because we are “broken”, If we were tribal women somewhere remote, or centuries past we would be helped out by a community of women who fed each others babies when a mom wasn’t enough for baby. But here we are. in the 21st century, and I am giving my baby powdered “milk” out of a plastic nipple… because breast milk “isn’t enough”
Honestly I kind of figured that my body not being sufficient enough would have stopped once Ev was born. I downed progesterone, and pericardia, and turbutilene, to make sure my body stayed pregnant, I was mad then because my body didn’t know how to stay pregnant, I was mad when I was pregnant with Kash and in the hospital for weeks dilated to a 4 praying to make it to full term, I was mad when I had to get shots in the bottom to keep my hormone levels up. I was mad when I went into preterm labor at 25 weeks because my progesterone levels don’t stay high enough to have a healthy pregnancy.
Silly me thought being angry at my body ended once I delivered babies. But as my breastfeeding relationship has gone on with baby Ev I have realized that my body doesn’t just fight being pregnant, it fights breastfeeding as well. Ev has been a slow gainer since day one. She has a lip tie, she was severely jaundiced for days. she was consitpated from having formula because she wasn’t satisfied, she has had a cold that made nursing nearly impossible, but we’ve battled through it.
I know that we will battle through the supplementing, We’ll get her gaining weight, but I still can’t help being a little bit frustrated with my body for not being compatible with all things baby, I am still angry at my boobs for not making fatty enough milk to make my baby gain weight well, I’m mad at myself for producing four children that have lip ties,
Today, I am angry, upset and disappointed, I know I need to be thankful that I have a baby, to have to bottle feed, to be thankful that we’ve made it 4 months ebf, to be thankful that I can still breastfeed her while supplementing. Tomorrow hopefully I’m feeling better about the whole situation. I don’t want to be bitter about it. I want to love feeding my baby, no matter how she needs to get that food and nourishment. I want to ebf my baby, at the breast and with no added bottles or supplements but at the same time I am not selfish enough to ignore that sometimes babies need a little more than mommas can give. I have the help of some wonderful women and am sure that Ev will be getting some breast milk EVERY day for the next twenty months. For that, I am grateful.