When I was pregnant with Caiden, I had no idea what my parenting plans were, I was 21, freshly married, and living 900 miles away from anyone I knew. Naive doesn’t even begin to touch it.
When we found out we were pregnant with Lucas just a month after we buried Caiden I knew that I would cherish my baby, love him unconditionally, and treat him like a person, I would not treat him like a piece of property that I needed to handle or control. I knew that the life I was growing inside of me was more precious than anything in the world.
Lucas grew up attached, gently disciplined, loved no matter what he made a mess out of. He has turned out wonderfully. We were constantly ridiculed for not spanking, not showing him who was boss. He got into stuff, and God knows he made messes that were really difficult to clean up but we talked him through everything without raising voices or hands.
Then Kash happened.
Kash has been turned on the highest setting since birth, he goes through the house like a tornado and there is no shelter. He pushes limits in ways I never imagined they could be pushed. Regretfully he’s gotten spanked, yelled at, shamed, and I wonder if that isn’t part of why today, at two and a half years old he is a nightmare. There, I said it, my son is a nightmare. I love him dearly, in fact my husband tells me I have babied him TOO much, but he seriously makes me question what I did wrong as a mother that made him as angry, and intense as he is.
The hostility in the household has hit an all time high, Kash pushes everyones buttons and I lose my patience within a few minutes of him being awake. Today alone he: opened the kitchen gate, climbed on the counters, opened a pack of jello, dumped it into a pot left on the stove, threw a glass and shattered it all over the kitchen, hit me, screamed at me, refused to get in his car seat or let me buckle him, scratched Lucas, pushed Evelyn. And that’s just a few of the things he’s done. I just don’t know how to handle him, which makes me stressed out which makes me lash out at Lucas, and even Tyler. I’m overwhelmed. Angry. Defeated.
When I pictured our family when I was pregnant with Kash I imagined it simple, gentle, peaceful. And it is anything but.
Right now I am getting over a 3 week illness, getting used to a husband that works evenings 6 days a week an hour away, having no friends that I’m not related to, my house is a disaster, dishes are piling up along with laundry and I’m sitting in bed, feeding the baby watching Kash roll around at the foot of the bed.
Life was supposed to be fun, carefree, enjoyable. With moms groups and play dates and tidy houses. I wasn’t supposed to be the mom who yelled, or sat in the bedroom crying because I’ve been pushed to my limit. The perfect life would be great, the tidy house would be fantastic, peace and love in the house would make waking up less of a chore. But right now real life has gotten in the way. Patience is gone, exhaustion has set in. I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle when people say something about how Kash acts, or he is having a meltdown at the store. I don’t become the strong rock he needs, I throw tantrums myself.
My Name is Abbey Wallace, and today I am vowing to turn this blog into something new, something of a place to reflect, to go through my journey of being overwhelmed, impatient, exhausted mom, to the kind of momma I want my kids to have and most importantly be the kind of mommy that isn’t ashamed of my childrens meltdowns, or the way I handle them.