There are a lot of days recently where I feel trapped, almost like drowning. I see chaos and stress where I should be seeing love and should be thankful and cherishing life. Last night I had a long, raw, emotional conversation with a friend I’ve never met. A friend of my dads who feels like I’ve known her my entire life and it felt good to not be judged for feeling overwhelmed, to be able to be real and open with someone. I went to bed feeling lighter, sleepier, calmer but the biggest transformation was recognized after I woke up.
I woke up feeling unstressed, before bed Lucas knocked a laundry basket of about 150 hangers over and they scattered all over our bedroom, I woke up not stressed about the mess but laughing because I remembered Lukes face as the avalanche of hangers went everywhere. Kash came in and snuggled for a little while and Evelyn slept peacefully next to me and for the first time in a while I felt grateful.
I didn’t think about what needed to be done, the mess in the boys room, the dishes that need to be washed. I thought about how lucky I am to have a husband that I love and cherish, to have three beautiful babies here to snuggle and teach. To be thankful that Caidens short life showed me how fragile life really is and how you need to enjoy it every single day without taking anything for granted.
Is my house a complete disaster sometimes? yep. Am I stressed sometimes? Absolutely. Do these things make or break me as a wife and mom? Not a chance.
So as I sit here, drinking my second cup of coffee, I’m thanking God for all of these opportunities. I’m soaking it all in, finally able to breath and see life for what it really is.