My life tends to take little growth spurts every now and then.
I’m forced to grow emotionally in ways that I never thought I would.
Right now I’m going through an awkward growth period where I’m not sure what to do with myself. I’m struggling to find my perfect place in this life, I hope some day I can look back on this season of life as a place of transformation (quarter life crisis maybe?) where I rise from the ashes of weird insecure and unsure to become someone better, someone more enlightened, someone more *me*.
Sometimes I let the mundane day to day tasks get me down. Changing diapers, washing dishes, laundry. Sitting at home and not go go going. It’s tough sometimes for me to just shut down and enjoy. My mind fills with things that need to be done, things that should be done, the way my life is supposed to look.
There are to-do lists a mile long in my head, grocery lists, meal planning, trying to socialize. It just never quite turns off. I lay in bed and think myself to sleep and according to fitbit my sleep is really really lacking.
I question myself as a parent 95% of the day, I try to fit in to some perky little box that moms and wives should fit into these days and I just don’t quite fit in at all. I am not a mainstream parent, I do a lot of things that make mainstream parents raise their eyebrows. I’m not a “crunchy” parent either, because I’m “too mainstream”. So I go about my day wondering where I fit in.
I’m sitting here, in the darkness of my bedroom, listening to two of my babies snoring away, wondering why we ever have to get caught up in the shoulds and coulds of life. Why do I need to prove to everyone that I can make sound parenting decisions, or that I have it all together (newsflash, most of the time I don’t) Why do I think I have to say yes when I really, desperately want to say no way and curl up in my pjs with my babies watching cartoons?
Today I vow to take life day by day, hour by hour, hurdle by hurdle. I want to cast aside every preconceived idea I ever had about motherhood, and marriage. I want to grow, and learn, today I take back my wonder of the world. Next year, next month, next week, I want to be able to pinpoint to today and say “that’s the day I decided to change my path” “there is the moment that pivoted my entire life”
I don’t want to take anything for granted. I don’t want to wish I had done things different. I don’t want to lay in bed at night and wish I had stood up for myself, or wish I had gone out and had conversations. I don’t want to question the things I choose for me and my family.
I want to live. I want to live with a vengeance. I want to collapse into bed at night with my husband and kids exhausted from the excitement and events of the day. I want giggles and hugs and kisses, I want a home filled with love and joy (and probably a lot of messes along the way) where we can grow, and learn, and figure life out together.