There are days I just KNOW it’s going to be an awful day, the second I wake up I can just feel that awful just go back to bed and start over feeling.
I’m an introvert, I love being inside my own head, I love just relaxing with myself, by myself, for myself.
I’m also a people pleaser, I give every ounce of everything I have every day to other people. At the end of the day I feel pretty empty, and hollow. I feel like there has been nothing I’ve accomplished for myself. I sneak showers in every few days after everyone else is asleep, just a few minutes in case a kid needs me, and I desperately want to spend a little bit of time snuggling up with my husband.
I feel horrible for neglecting myself, and beat myself up over the fact that when I’m exhausted and empty I have a really really tough time parenting well. Exhaustion for me is a really bad sign that shutting down is following closely behind, mindlessly browsing the internet, vegging out to the tv, or netflix. Exhausted neglectful days are usually the days that the kids make a wild mess of the house, nothing gets done, and everyone gets yelled at, a lot.
When I stop taking care of myself and making myself happy I start to get overwhelmed… FAST. I get fidgety knowing what all needs to be done but I just can’t muster up any motivation or energy to do absolutely anything. Luckily the baby still emotionally feeds off of how I’m feeling day by day, if I’m feeling lazy and snuggly, she has no problem curling up with mommy and hanging out on the couch all day.
I have to make the conscious decision to put myself first, sometimes. I just can’t, I don’t feel like it’s okay. I’m trying really hard to get to the point where I can just do what I need, go to bed early, fuel my body with the food and drink it needs. I need to run a bubble bath and be a little bit selfish every once in a while. But I just can’t get there, I stay up waiting for Tyler when I know I should be asleep. I try to keep our kids busy on the weekends so they enjoy time with their dad. I don’t know how to just take care of myself. Until it’s the only thing I can do. I find myself drained so much that basic survival for the kids and I are about as good as it gets for a couple of days.
I find myself so angry, so sad, so hurt. With the kids, with my husband. I feel like I have no control over anything in life, I want to be able to control everyones happiness and make sure they’re 100% happy 100% of the time.
I guess the first step to getting better is admitting there is a problem.
I have a problem.
I have many problems.
Sometimes I AM the problem.
Not caring for myself is a problem.
Not being an active, alert, calm parent is a problem.
Not giving my children the stability and harmony of a good routine is a problem.
Living in the past is a problem.
Not fueling our bodies with the best food possible is a problem.
Not taking time to fuel the flame of my marriage is a problem.
Letting my anxiety flood my senses is a problem.
Not owning mistakes and placing blame is a problem.
I have many many more problems that I could go on for hours typing, but today, tonight, I’m taking a stand. I’m owning everything in my mind, my heart, my life that I have fed that I have grown, I am taking a stand to fix my problems. I am going to turn our family around and not fail them as a mother, and wife anymore. I will shut down the negative, hurtful, anxious, angry thoughts that follow me around every single day.
I will start caring for myself, feeding my body the fuel it needs, the sleep it needs, the meditation and prayer it needs.
I will promise to my children to be an active alert and calm parent. I will be their calm place, I will run with them until their energy dies down and they’re ready to collapse, I will be in tune with their needs, and emotions.
I will start giving my family the stability and comfort that every single home and family should have, predictable routines, harmonious in sync bedtimes and bath times and when something comes up at work and their daddy can’t be home they will know that mommy will keep things together, mommy will keep the routines in check because when daddy gets back life will go on as a family.
I will stop living in the past, bringing up past mistakes, I can’t change anything in the past, I can only live for today, this moment. My kids are here now, that could all change so living in anything but the present is taking away precious moments, memories, from my family.
I will start making sure our family is eating a whole, balanced, junk free diet. As a family we are filling our bodies with awful food, soda, junk, cookies, candy. It’s my job as my children’s mother to help them form good relationships with food, it’s my job as the stay at home mother and wife to make sure my husband is getting the food his body needs to keep him happy and on point at work.
I will promise to start actively working on praising my husband more, hugging more, kissing more, spending more time loving my husband, laughing with my husband. We chose each other to spend the rest of our lives with, we have all the time in the world to grow together, learn things together, cherish each other.
I will stop putting all of the blame for negative things that happen in our lives on anyone but me, I choose my thoughts, I choose what is in my heart. What I think and what floods my heart is mirrored by what’s going on in our lives. I have the power to make my life wonderful, which will in turn make my familys lives wonderful.
I will openly admit every mistake that I make and apologize to the people I hurt along the way.
Today, I promise to turn my life, my family dynamic, my home around.